Thinking Out Loud

Middle school worship on Rush Hour @SSCC

Posted on November 8, 2009

Plain and simple this morning
—-
Sent from my iPhone
travis@sscommunitychurch.com
travis@travispaulding.com

Posted via email from Travis Paulding’s Posterous

Some very non-technical thoughts

Posted on November 2, 2009

Gas Pump I had to get this down, a confessional of sorts. Confessing that I think negatively of people. Right or wrong. Forgive the jumbled quality as well. I’m trying to get this down. I felt like I needed to.

So tonight, at around 11pm, I was 99% asleep in my recliner, 1% watching the World Series when I hear an unfamiliar car engine sound. You know how you know the cars around your house you are used to hearing. I didn’t recognize this one and assumed it was a neighbor’s house. A few seconds later my dog begins going nuts and then someone knocks on my door. (Yeah, Ruby is a good guard dog, she heard them coming to the porch.) I stumbled to the door, now about 15% awake, and look out the window to see a woman looking up at me. She asked me for something, I said what, she asked again, I said what again, I opened the door with one hand, held my dog with the other and asked what again. Now 20% awake, I was only able to determine only that I was not clearly thinking enough operate the machinery that is my brain. My wife took over the thinking part since she was still fully awake and on the internet at the time of the surprise…

Tonight a woman and a young child ended up in my driveway in their car and ultimately at my door, asking for help. Not sure what she wanted really. First it was a phone, then it was cash for food or gas to get home. She lives about an hour away and had been stuck in town all day with car trouble. We, as usual, had no cash on hand (and I wouldn’t have wanted to give it anyway). But, my wife volunteered me to go to the gas station around the corner with her to fill her tank up. She asked for cash again for food. My wife invited her into the dining room to give her a few snacks for her little boy. I then told her where the gas station was and followed her there. I filled her tank up and talked barely as I stood there, I was tired and foggy still having been asleep only 10 minutes prior. She commented about how cold it had gotten outside and how her car still wasn’t running smooth. She then said “can I wash your car or something for $10 just in case something bad happens on the way home and I need money?” I reminded her again that I had no cash. I put $30 in gas in her tank, she thanked me for the gas, hopped in her car, and drove away very quickly. I got in my car and drove home wondering why that happened so fast. Should I have said Jesus loves her? Was I so quiet, “asleep” and short with her that she wanted to leave me alone as soon as possible?

Now I sit at home, wide awake, 90 minutes later. I just don’t trust people. I assume the worse sometimes. I’m trying to figure out what her ulterior motive was (as if she HAD to have one). Was she casing us? Was she really wanting money for drugs? She said multiple times how embarrassed/ashamed she was while she talked to my wife. Certainly she didn’t want to wash my car at 11pm on a cold night. Was she just trying to get cash any way she could? Of all the places… how did she end up at our house? Had she been turned away at others? Was ours the first in the neighborhood with enough lights on to think she could get someone awake?

I’m sitting here now with my senses heightened. Every sound I here makes me pause and listen. Its just dumb that I am even nervous/suspicious now isn’t it? I really do hope that what she really needed was gas and a somewhat healthy snack for her little boy, she got that. I really do hope that she wasn’t really fishing for cash and taking anything else she got as spoils. I know that Jesus said to help people, that I think we did. Did we do enough? I am certainly not worried about “losing” $30 and some food even if it WAS dishonest, if it cares for someone. I just sit here wondering why I feel the way I feel. I am half on guard for… something, and half feeling guilty for thinking everything I’ve thought. I’m praying for peace from God so that I can sleep.

Can anyone identify with me? Help me process this.